Bad Movie Night 04/23/08- The Host

Does that monster look like it's lurking? It looks like it's fucking galloping. Run bitch run!

As bad movies go this was hard to make fun of. I'd heard really good things about this movie both about the amazing special effects and the story. Well, the special effects were amazing the story was so dumb that it made the movie almost impossible to laugh at. There is actually part of the movie where that dad of the main character actually talks about how he can tell his son's mood by his farts. I think this movie was supposed to be funny but maybe most of the jokes were funny in Korea. Some of the humor translated over but then characters would say the dumbest things. In other news I learned at least one thing from this movie... the South Korean army is one of the most incompetent units I've ever seen. A bumbling idiot, a jackass, a senile old man,a homeless man, and bronze medal archer managed to take down a monster that the military has shit themselves over. Like seriously? Not only that... they manage to look good doing it. Too, bad there wasn't some kind of a story to go along with the pretty special effects.

To top it all off while the movie was being completely ridiculous it starts to get preachy. Or at least I think it tries to get preachy or maybe they were trying to be clever. The government invents a virus that the monster is supposedly carrying but there is no virus... the government made it up and put rewards on people's heads who didn't do what they said to do. Generally causing a panic when they should have been getting a posse of bad asses together to take down the giant fish that was terrorizing a nation of people with ridiculous dialogue. Was it being preachy? Please somebody tell me.

Blood: Oh, there was blood and gore and the horrible visions of people being vomited only to be consumed later. Blood and bones and guts... this movie had enough violence in it to disturb even me. It wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't from the point of view of a small child. There is something more disturbing about corpse vomiting fish monsters when a little kid has to face it.

Boobs: No boobies... no babes...

Baddie: The fish monster! This thing looked real! No angry monologues, it spent all it's time killing, vomiting, and looking bad ass. At least as bad ass as a giant fish with legs can look. Even though the rest of the movie might have had to suffer for it... the special effects on this thing looked real throughout almost the entire movie. The Cloverfield monster looked fake compared to this thing. Ok, shoot the Cloverfield monster just looked fake but I'm not talking about that piece of crap movie.

Boom: Did you know homeless people carry around like a years supply of gasoline and alcohol? Well, they do... and when you poor that over a giant fish and then set it on fire... your in for a Barbecue! Mmm MMMM!

Bad Acting: Normally bad acting makes a bad movie more enjoying. This however is one of my exceptions to the rule. I might change my opinion after watching the movie with subtitles on instead of dubbing. The American voice actors at least deserved to be dragged into the street and beaten with a rubber hose. The verdict is still out on the rest of those bloody sods.





*Spoilers*



*Spoilers*





Don't watch this movie if you want a happy ending! The little girl dies in the most anti-climactic way possible. Cause of death: having a dumb ass fucking family that doesn't know how to perform CPR. Or maybe the Asian form of CPR is to wail like an idiot and roll around on the ground.