Little Zee: Journey To The Center Of The Earth IN 3-D!

(Notice it doesn't say Little Zee's Pics)
This movie was awful. It literally made me sick. (Not because it was bad, but because the 3-D made me very, very ill) I don't reccomend seeing it if you're like me, meaning if you get motion sickness, or headaches very easily. I saw it last night, and my head still hurts.
Anyways, about the movie. IT WAS AWFUL! For one thing, it had no story plot. It barely had anything to do with the original novel, and I think if Jules Verne saw it today, he would be so disappointed. (I know I was.)
The movie begins with some random guy being chased by a T-Rex, and then falling in a giant pit of lava. We discover later that that was the main character's brother, and the supporting characters dad. It was super, and I do mean SUPER, cheesy. Awful. Just. Awful. (And I don't usually say that about movies. Usually, I'm nice about them, but this one. No. Just. No.) The only good character in the movie was the T-Rex. AND HE DIDN'T EVEN SHOW UP BUT FOR A FEW SECONDS! I MEAN, WHAT THE HELL?
At the end of the movie, since there were only about 10 people in the theater, I stood up and screamed at the screen, "THAT WAS BAD, AND YOU SHOULD FEEL BAD."
I'm still waiting for the screen's response.
I'm not even going to take the time to get a synopsis of the movie, because it was so bad.
Google it if you want it.

Little Zee's Pics: Super Mario Brothers

This movie was made in 1993, but I just got around to watching it. I've wanted to watch it ever since I knew about it, and my curiosity ended up leading me to a copy of it. Now, all the other reviews said it was "A horrible movie. Don't see it."... But I thought it was great! Taking into account the year it was made, and how amazing the actors were, it was a wonderful movie. Now, true, it has almost NOTHING to do with the game series, but it was still a wonderful movie.
It stars Bob Hoskins as Mario Mario, and John Leguizamo as Luigi Mario. (I didn't realize this until about three minutes in, then I was like "No. There's no way, man. That's just too awesome." So, I went to google and, sure enough. It was him. At that point, I just had to watch the rest of the movie) It also had Samantha Mathis as Princess Daisy. (Not Princess Peach, but Princess Daisy.)
One of the ways this movie was different from the game was the Gomba's. Instead of being lovely little brown mushrooms, they were dinosaurs. Or rather, people that got "Devolved" by the evil King Koopa. *aka Bowser, for those not game literate* (Played by Dennis Hopper) And, rather than "King Koopa" being a giant turtle, he was a person. Nothing fancy, just a regular person that evolved from a T-Rex. Also, it revolved around Princess Daisy, not Peach. (Which I thought was a huge improvement.)
Now, what this movie was about:
"This is the story of two hard working Italian plumber brothers named Mario Mario and Luigi Mario, who befriends a young paleontologist named Daisy. She uncovers a massive find of mysterious new dinosaur bones. While exploring the tunnels where dinosaur fossils lay, saboteurs hired by the Mario Bros. rival businessman, Anthony Scapelli, to break some underground pipes. Meanwhile, in a hidden world called Dino-world, King Koopa's land is running out of water and going through problems so he sends Spike and Iggy to kidnap Daisy! Now the Super Mario Bros. find themselves the only hope to save the Earth from invasion then challenge a diabolical lizard king and they must battle giant reptilian goombas, outwit misfit thugs and undermine sinister scheme by taking over the world" (Taken from IMBD; written by Written by Anthony Pereyra {hypersonic91@yahoo.com}, because I'm too lazy to type it out.)

I think that everyone needs to see this movie, as silly and old as it may be.

For Aslan!

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian is a good movie as family entertainment goes. If you enjoyed the epic battle scenes that were in The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe then you should like what this movie has to offer. This would be a good opportunity to take your kids to the movies. The action and story is good enough t0 keep your attention and there are talking animals. We all know that talking animals are like crack to 5 year olds.

Speaking of talking animals, Reepicheep is the hero of this movie. He's a talking mouse... who is like cheap toilet paper: doesn't take crap from anybody. Seriously this is the most likable character in the movie. The only way this character would be more badass is if Samuel L. Jackson was doing his voice. Not that cross dressing Eddie Izzard did a bad job... it was good. If this movie was set in modern times Reepicheep would be holding a .50 caliber machine gun in both hands and a cigar between his whiskered lips. "Cute? Motherfucker! Don't think that my good nature will keep me from fucking your shit up!" -Reepicheep (if Samuel L. Jackson was doing the voice). This is going on the wish list. Also I hope Bulgy the retarded bear is in every freaking movie from here on out. He's in the war room... you'll know who I'm talking about.

The title character, Prince Caspian (Ben Barnes) is the next Anakin Skywalker of film. This kid is a whining little bitch throughout the entire movie. I was hoping that Aslan, the giant lion Jesus allegory, was going to wipe that smug smile off of his emo face. Let's hope that he has improved some by the time the next Narnia movie comes out in 2010. He's going to be in that one to but he'll be overshadowed by the other whiny little bitch: Eustace Scrubb. I feel bad for whoever gets cast to that role. Prince Caspian comes from a family of royal backstabbers... kind of like (Ben Barnes) only other role that I know about in Stardust. Typecasting? His uncle killed his dad and then tried to kill him... and then Saddam Hussein killed his uncle. It's nice of Hollywood to employ currently deceased ex-middle eastern dictators.

The movie climaxes in a battle between Narnians and humans (who want to wipe out the Narnians). The kids from the first movie are very much superheroesque in this movie. Peter and Susan kill more cannon fodder soldiers than Chuck Norris does in an average episode of Walker Texas Ranger. And, then Jesus shows up... *cough* I mean Aslan shows up. Aslan convinces the Ents *cough* tree spirits to march out and lay down some whoop ass by roaring at them. Roaring is a highly underused motivational tool. The action and comedy in this movie was enough to keep my entertained throughout. The plot was a bit predictable even if you haven't read the books.

Blood: It's PG. Though the battle sequences are nice... they really can't show much blood.

Babes: Ummm... unless you're some kind of creepy pedophile or zooaphile. No. I'm too afraid of rule 34 to do a google search on this subject.

Baddie: The main bad guy is the typical bad guy. Deceitful? check. Killed a main characters parent? check. Goatee? check. Ridiculous plot to gain power? check. Saddam Hussein rose from the dead to jab an arrow into this guy to spark off anti-Narinan sentiment.

Boom: The battles were awesome. No explosions that I can remember but big rocks slamming into the ground were pretty intense. Also it turns out that Fauns, like Mr. Tumnus in the first movie, are freaking ninjas! I can honestly say that I've never seen a mouse kill more people on screen since that little mishap on the set of The Mouse and the Motorcycle. *shudders* The memory of Ralph's fuel tank exploding still haunts my dreams.

Bad Acting: Everyone did a really good and believable job... except for Prince Caspian. Unless he was supposed to be an annoying emo kid.

Overall Rating: 7/10

I am Iron Man

I'm not going to be doing many reviews of movies that have just come out in theaters. No one is paying me to do these reviews but maybe some of your delightful readers can start "borrowing" money from your mom's purse and I'll review whatever perverted morally debasing thing you want me to. Iron Man was the best comic book movie to come out since Spider-Man 2. I'm not including V for Vendetta in this statement because V is something very special to me. That was so much more than a comic book movie. It was Hugo Weaving's voice and violence all in one little package... little could arouse me as much as that.

I can not say this enough... Iron Man is worth dropping the cash for. As much as I've found the comic book Iron Man positively repulsive (pun intended), especially as of late, the movie version was everything I liked about Iron Man but better. Robert Downey Jr. was hilarious as Tony Stark and heroic as Iron Man. There wasn't one flaw that I could readily pick out in the movie. I'll be the first to admit that I am a critical bastard that has made many a young child cry with shouts of "That drawing looks nothing like a pony... it looks like a walrus with a horrible case of the hymroids!". Err... what? Robert Downey Jr. was born for the role of Tony Stark and not just because both of them are well known for self medication and substance abuse. He somehow is the most likable jerk you could possibly meet. Sure you want to throw him down a flight of razor sharp stairs but you can't help liking him.

The movie starts like every comic book movie starts, with an origins story. I like it when the movie tries it's best to stay true to the comic book no matter what. Nothing grates on my nerves more than when they change something crucial and it snowballs out of control. Iron Man had everything down to the two pieces of shrapnel being held in place by an electromagnet to keep them from going into his heart. A lot of directors would say "That drawing doesn't look anything like a pony?". And crush my dreams of one day becoming an artist. What?... the important thing is to not question the source material out of hand.

The chemistry between all of the actors felt real. Obadiah Stane (Jeff Bridges) really did feel like a mentor and his interactions with Tony felt just as natural as when he was fighting him as Iron Monger. Jim Rhodes (Terrence Howard) seemed to be his friend just as much as he was a sidekick and on a sidekick side note I'm looking forward to seeing War Machine tear it up on the next Iron Man movie.

Before I go on to the 5 Bs I figure I owe an explanation for the rating of 11. It is on a 10 point scale... the problem is that I gave the movie a 9 out of 10 rating for near flawless cinema magic. Then Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury showed up on the big screen. And, Samuel L. Jackson bumps up any movie by 2 points. Which is why xXx: State of the Union got a 2 out of 10. Oh Ice Cube why do they keep putting you in movies?


Blood: There is a little bit of blood, nothing all that gory. Tony Stark gets hit, infamously, with one of his own weapons. Irony! The violence in the movie felt very real... except for the cheap laughs we got while Tony was designing the Mark II/Mark III. I would suggest seeing this movie just for the slapstick moments.

Boobs: Oh no nudity, but there was quite a lot of eye candy. Women seem to just throw themselves at Tony Stark. Even a life saving electromagnet the size of a christmas turkey sticking out of his chest didn't seem to keep the ladies at bay.

Baddie: Obadiah Stane was more menacing in Armani suit than he did in a suit of robotic armor. He made a good bad guy because he seemed to make since. He seemed like such a nice guy, even though the foreshadowing in the movie kept saying different (not to mention my previous knowledge of the character in the comic books). Not many people can pull off being more of a bad guy than a Islamic terrorist cell and a kindly uncle in the same scene. The little terrorist group is referred to as the Ten Rings which hopefully is a foreshadowing for The Mandarin... Iron Man's arch-nemesis lurking in the shadows of this movie.

Boom: The movie had boom by the gallons. Seeing the Mark III in action was almost a thing of beauty. It looked almost real as he blew up tanks, slammed terrorists into walls, and fought Iron Monger on a busy street. Things go boom.

Bad Acting: All the acting was amazing in this movie. There wasn't a moment when the suspension of disbelief was broken for me.

Overall Rating: 11

Bad Movie Night 04/23/08- The Host

Does that monster look like it's lurking? It looks like it's fucking galloping. Run bitch run!

As bad movies go this was hard to make fun of. I'd heard really good things about this movie both about the amazing special effects and the story. Well, the special effects were amazing the story was so dumb that it made the movie almost impossible to laugh at. There is actually part of the movie where that dad of the main character actually talks about how he can tell his son's mood by his farts. I think this movie was supposed to be funny but maybe most of the jokes were funny in Korea. Some of the humor translated over but then characters would say the dumbest things. In other news I learned at least one thing from this movie... the South Korean army is one of the most incompetent units I've ever seen. A bumbling idiot, a jackass, a senile old man,a homeless man, and bronze medal archer managed to take down a monster that the military has shit themselves over. Like seriously? Not only that... they manage to look good doing it. Too, bad there wasn't some kind of a story to go along with the pretty special effects.

To top it all off while the movie was being completely ridiculous it starts to get preachy. Or at least I think it tries to get preachy or maybe they were trying to be clever. The government invents a virus that the monster is supposedly carrying but there is no virus... the government made it up and put rewards on people's heads who didn't do what they said to do. Generally causing a panic when they should have been getting a posse of bad asses together to take down the giant fish that was terrorizing a nation of people with ridiculous dialogue. Was it being preachy? Please somebody tell me.

Blood: Oh, there was blood and gore and the horrible visions of people being vomited only to be consumed later. Blood and bones and guts... this movie had enough violence in it to disturb even me. It wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't from the point of view of a small child. There is something more disturbing about corpse vomiting fish monsters when a little kid has to face it.

Boobs: No boobies... no babes...

Baddie: The fish monster! This thing looked real! No angry monologues, it spent all it's time killing, vomiting, and looking bad ass. At least as bad ass as a giant fish with legs can look. Even though the rest of the movie might have had to suffer for it... the special effects on this thing looked real throughout almost the entire movie. The Cloverfield monster looked fake compared to this thing. Ok, shoot the Cloverfield monster just looked fake but I'm not talking about that piece of crap movie.

Boom: Did you know homeless people carry around like a years supply of gasoline and alcohol? Well, they do... and when you poor that over a giant fish and then set it on fire... your in for a Barbecue! Mmm MMMM!

Bad Acting: Normally bad acting makes a bad movie more enjoying. This however is one of my exceptions to the rule. I might change my opinion after watching the movie with subtitles on instead of dubbing. The American voice actors at least deserved to be dragged into the street and beaten with a rubber hose. The verdict is still out on the rest of those bloody sods.





*Spoilers*



*Spoilers*





Don't watch this movie if you want a happy ending! The little girl dies in the most anti-climactic way possible. Cause of death: having a dumb ass fucking family that doesn't know how to perform CPR. Or maybe the Asian form of CPR is to wail like an idiot and roll around on the ground.

Bad Movie Night 04/16/08- Barbarella

All I can say is that people in the 60's really did think that things were going to change for the better real soon. And, also that someone was going to invent a kind of psychic pill that linked people into a shared orgasmic state that is kind of like touching one of those electricity balls at a museum.

The entire movie is absurd and I can only hope that was the point even in the 60's. It was however a great movie for Bad Movie Night. You could almost feel the beautiful badness of the movie fill your lungs as sociopathic cannibalistic dolls fill your vision.

In the future the galaxy has been pacified through drug induced palm fornication. I can only get down on both knees and pray that there wasn't any serious thought into this as some kind of metaphor. But, this "plot" element allowed the title character to be both a total whore and a innocent virgin at the same time. And, isn't this exactly what we all want in a woman?

As far as I could figure the lead singer for Duran Duran has found the plans for a "laser" that does stuff... to the 4th dimension! I think it kills people but his other inventions that were supposed to kill only managed to remove Barbarella's outfits or give her multiple orgasms. She goes through so many costume changes throughout this movie I can only assume it is how most girls play with real Barbies. Since my sister went through that period with what I can only assume a desire to grow up to be the first female serial killer all I know about Barbies is finding their mangled naked corpses intermixed with my mangled naked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... and the occasional My Little Pony to add to the bizarreness of the mass grave.

Blood: Not really... though Barbarella did have a gun that made people explode/shatter. Also she got bitten/disrobed by both exotic birds and cannibalistic dolls from hell.

Boobs: This movie is sex, and the title character has sex and gets naked more times than I could possibly watch this movie. This is where the movie makes up for not having a plot or a chorus of line dancing ninjas. Though the sex scenes are all off camera and her breasts are only shown for a few brief seconds. I think all the implied sex more than delivers.

Baddie: Durand Durand is just as much a baddie as Doctor Evil can be considered a villain. His traps are laughable, his cause (evil by the way) just makes you want to laugh. The female baddie who at one point forces herself on this guy is more hot than evil... besides that erect cock on her forehead... Ewwwww!!!!

Boom: Things did blow up on occasion. Such as the torture machine that overloaded because Barbarella is the biggest whore in the entire galaxy and short circuited the device with her ability to take a good pounding.

Bad Acting: I think this movie is known for it's bad acting. I love the blind angel though, when he keeps saying stuff like: "An Angel doesn't make love, he is love." Wow... um that would be more poetic if you weren't putting your angel cock in Barbarella in a giant nest. Because Angels make nests... it's only logical. They have wings don't they? Chewbacca was from Kashyyyk!!