Neverending Kung-Fu

"Ignore the man behind the curtain!" Oh Snap! "He's a Monkey!"

The Forbidden Kingdom is coming out on DVD soon. I recently got a job working at a movie rental store. Which is basically my dream job minus the being on my feet all day. If I could sit and talk to random strangers about movies all day.... well that would be an amazing job. I don't think many people saw this in theaters. Even though my initial reaction was one of orgasmic delight... at just the idea of Jackie Chan and Jet Lee fighting each other in a crazy wire fu epic. The trailers weren't that good though and I've fallen too often for a movie that seemed like a good idea in theory but then didn't turn out that well. *cough* Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow *cough*... I apologize to the people that like that movie. I'm sorry you like shit, so very sorry.

The first 15 minutes of the movie is like most movies where kids go to magic worlds. The world basically is a crap hole full of bullies and things keeping the kid from being able to fulfill his hopes and dreams. This kid's dreams are to be a hung-fu master... and he has a pretty good plan to get there. Watch a bunch of kung fu movies. This kid has a thing for kung-fu movies. I'm not sure if "a thing" is a strong enough term. He has a thing in the same way that a meth addict kind of likes meth. To the point that he shows up to a closed store in hong kong and the owner doesn't seem surprised at all to see him... obviously used to him showing up at strange hours jonesing for a hit of "hong kong phooey".

During a botched robbery he's transported into a magical world of Kung Fu... kind of like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. Now instead of running into a scarecrow, a lion, and a tin man... he runs into Jet Li, Jackie Chan, and this incredibly attractive young lady who is out on a quest to kill the Jade Warlord... ironically with a jade throwing dart/ tuning pick. You see 500 years ago an enlightened king decided to ascend into heaven to meditate. And, because he was so very wise and benevolent... he left the biggest asshole he could find in charge. This asshole decided to go around getting all the Asian tail he could find, beating up animals , and committing crimes against humanity. Namely wearing really ugly looking make-up. If Mimi from The Drew Carey Show was from China... that is what she would look like. So, while he wasn't being a dick... he decided to mess up the world as best he could.

Enter the kung fu movie addict, or as I like to call him... Honkey McWhitey... How many magical/sci-fi societies get saved from the brink of destruction by a white kid? A lot. But, first he has to go through a montage of kung fu training by Jet Lee and Jackie Chan. Jackie is drunk most of the time... he claims that he is immortal and not drinking wine all the time will be his downfall. Later we find out he isn't immortal and is just an alcoholic. Whichs means a good bit of the dialogue from the beginning of the movie is pointless.
Jet Li plays a jackass...who steals the sacred staff from Honkey McWhitey and in one seen pees in Jackie Chan's face. I'm hoping that it was because he thought it was funny and didn't get off on it, but you should be the judge. I personally think it was the first bukkake that I have ever seen with a PG-13 rating.

This finally ends in a massive kung fu battle and the magical king returns just in the nick of time to take credit for all the work that Honkey and his Asian sidekicks have accomplished. The Jade Emperor grants Honkey a wish. And, instead of wishing to be immortal, for gold, or women.... he wishes to go home. Like every freaking movie where white kids go off to save a magical world.... they want to go home like pansies at the end. Even though they are respected and powerful here... for some stupid reason they want to go back to a world that basically sucks.

Then he beats the crap out of the leader of an Hispanic street gang and foreshadows a possible h0okup with a girl who looks just like the girl from The Forbidden Kingdom.

Blood: Not much real blood since most of the violence is high kung fu and not swords and guns. Though Jet Li gets pretty messed up towards the end. When Chinese Mimi messes him up right before the Monkey King shows up and shit gets... as they say... "real."

Babes: Two of the best looking asian women I have ever seen. One of them is evil... and quite possibly Shao Kahn's wife from Mortal Kombat Trilogy.

Baddies: The heroes are constantly hounded by witches, minions, flying monkeys... and *cough* scratch the flying monkeys... they're on the good guy's side in thie movie. Heh.

Boom: If Jet Li and Jackie Chan beating the crap out of each other wasn't boom enough... then I don't know what else there is to convince you.

Bad Acting: Almost all of the actors who are in this movie are native speaking Chinese... sometimes you can tell it.

Overall Rating: 6/10