Bad Movie Night 05/21/08- Everything You Always Wanted To Know About Sex But Were Afraid To Ask

Hands down this movie is the winner of the longest title for a movie that I've seen for Bad Movie Night. However that is the only way this movie could be considered a winner. The concept of this movie has every potential for hilarity but most of the time just left me scratching my head. If you value your time in the slightest... Do not see this movie! It's not funny, it's not clever, it's not good enough for Bad Movie Night.

The movie was seperated into "funny" scenarios that involved certain questions about sex. The scenarioes then decided not to adress the question in the slightest. Any movie that is endorsed to me by: "there is a giant boob roaming the countryside."... should be good. Well... it wasn't. The movie was so slow that I almost felt like falling asleep. This is the kind of movie that has potential if someone who was actually good did it. Though I was under the impression that Woody Allen wasn't that bad.

Blood: Not really any blood.

Babes: There were a few relatively attractive women. And a 20 foot tall killer boob! Who apparently kills people through lactating.

Baddie: The closest thing to a baddie would be a crazed sex therapist. *sigh* And the 20 foot boob that he created.

Boom: There was a few explosions...

Bad Acting: Oh Goodness... there was plenty of bad acting to make fun of.

Overall Rating: 0/10

For Aslan!

The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian is a good movie as family entertainment goes. If you enjoyed the epic battle scenes that were in The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe then you should like what this movie has to offer. This would be a good opportunity to take your kids to the movies. The action and story is good enough t0 keep your attention and there are talking animals. We all know that talking animals are like crack to 5 year olds.

Speaking of talking animals, Reepicheep is the hero of this movie. He's a talking mouse... who is like cheap toilet paper: doesn't take crap from anybody. Seriously this is the most likable character in the movie. The only way this character would be more badass is if Samuel L. Jackson was doing his voice. Not that cross dressing Eddie Izzard did a bad job... it was good. If this movie was set in modern times Reepicheep would be holding a .50 caliber machine gun in both hands and a cigar between his whiskered lips. "Cute? Motherfucker! Don't think that my good nature will keep me from fucking your shit up!" -Reepicheep (if Samuel L. Jackson was doing the voice). This is going on the wish list. Also I hope Bulgy the retarded bear is in every freaking movie from here on out. He's in the war room... you'll know who I'm talking about.

The title character, Prince Caspian (Ben Barnes) is the next Anakin Skywalker of film. This kid is a whining little bitch throughout the entire movie. I was hoping that Aslan, the giant lion Jesus allegory, was going to wipe that smug smile off of his emo face. Let's hope that he has improved some by the time the next Narnia movie comes out in 2010. He's going to be in that one to but he'll be overshadowed by the other whiny little bitch: Eustace Scrubb. I feel bad for whoever gets cast to that role. Prince Caspian comes from a family of royal backstabbers... kind of like (Ben Barnes) only other role that I know about in Stardust. Typecasting? His uncle killed his dad and then tried to kill him... and then Saddam Hussein killed his uncle. It's nice of Hollywood to employ currently deceased ex-middle eastern dictators.

The movie climaxes in a battle between Narnians and humans (who want to wipe out the Narnians). The kids from the first movie are very much superheroesque in this movie. Peter and Susan kill more cannon fodder soldiers than Chuck Norris does in an average episode of Walker Texas Ranger. And, then Jesus shows up... *cough* I mean Aslan shows up. Aslan convinces the Ents *cough* tree spirits to march out and lay down some whoop ass by roaring at them. Roaring is a highly underused motivational tool. The action and comedy in this movie was enough to keep my entertained throughout. The plot was a bit predictable even if you haven't read the books.

Blood: It's PG. Though the battle sequences are nice... they really can't show much blood.

Babes: Ummm... unless you're some kind of creepy pedophile or zooaphile. No. I'm too afraid of rule 34 to do a google search on this subject.

Baddie: The main bad guy is the typical bad guy. Deceitful? check. Killed a main characters parent? check. Goatee? check. Ridiculous plot to gain power? check. Saddam Hussein rose from the dead to jab an arrow into this guy to spark off anti-Narinan sentiment.

Boom: The battles were awesome. No explosions that I can remember but big rocks slamming into the ground were pretty intense. Also it turns out that Fauns, like Mr. Tumnus in the first movie, are freaking ninjas! I can honestly say that I've never seen a mouse kill more people on screen since that little mishap on the set of The Mouse and the Motorcycle. *shudders* The memory of Ralph's fuel tank exploding still haunts my dreams.

Bad Acting: Everyone did a really good and believable job... except for Prince Caspian. Unless he was supposed to be an annoying emo kid.

Overall Rating: 7/10

Little Zee's Picks: Restoration

For all those Robert Downey Junior fans out there, I present to you one of his greatest movies. Well, at least in my opinion.
Restoration is a wonderful movie, about love, lust, and happiness. (Sounds like a chick-flick, and, well... I hate to say this, but yes. Yes it is.)
Here's what it says on the back cover: "Invited to the court of the charismatic King Charles II, the high-spirited young Robert Merivel cheerfully abandons his medical studies to accept the post of Royal Physician. At the King's request, he enters into a marriage of convenience with Celia, the youngest Royal mistress. In return for knighthood and a country estate, the King commands Merivel to forgo any conjugal rights to his bride. But Merivel is unable to control his lust for Celia. She firmly rebuffs his advances, and the King, enraged at Merivel's disobedience, strips him of his land and title. He is forced to seek shelter within the confines of an austere Quaker hospice run by a former medical colleague. Once again, Merivel falls prey to the temptations of the flesh, and seeks solace in the arms of Katherine, a patient. Found out and expelled, Merivel takes the now pregnant Katherine back to London. At last he harnesses his resources and in the face of extraordinary adversity, redeems himself as a physician and a man."
This movie is AMAZING. It won several awards for the costumes alone, and if your a person that's fascinated with that time in history, then this is the movie for you. It's one of those get some ice cream, put on your pj's, and sit on the couch, because it's a super-sad movie in parts. I recommend this movie to just about everyone. I would give it about 4 stars out of 5, just because it was kind of slow in parts, and some parts of it tended to drag on.

Bad Movie Night 05/14/08- The Fly II

Bad Movie Night did not happen last week just in case you are some deviant going through the archives and wondering if that was the week we were replaced by pod people. Sometimes when people start picking movies I wish that I had been replace by a pod person so that I wouldn't feel the pain of a country music montage. There was a horrible country music montage that felt at best out of place and was more along the lines of the cinema version of a "bad touch". Not since the rave/sex scene in The Matrix Reloaded have I felt so violated. Maybe I'm being too harsh on country music but when I think country I think of dark bars and weepy cowboys, not romantic montages or mutant fly-people. Oddly I am struck by the notion of line dancing mutant fly-people wearing cowboy hats. This movie didn't make my cry out in pain (besides when the guy from the first movie said "he bugged me") but it was kind of like everyone was just going through the motions. Kind of like the awkward fully-clothed sexings that are filmed for some reason by a perverted security guard. Apparently being a complete douche bag is one of the requirements for getting a job at the lab most of the movie takes place at. Also they did the most useless things... like telling Martin that they were secretly video taping him, and giving him mysterious injections that turned out to be water. Why even bother?!

The Fly II picks up where The Fly left off... the girlfriend of the original fly-man giving birth to their hideous love spawn. Who turns out to look like a normal baby. This lab is where the main character grows up really fast and never sleeps because he has fly DNA or something. And, he is also highly intelligent and has photographic memory... you know like flies have. It's pretty much a normal life: he's viewed 24/7 through a one way mirror though the guy on duty is almost always asleep, he has a pet golden retriever... that becomes a hideous abomination to God, and a girlfriend who is at least 5 times his age. That's pretty much the typical childhood, right? I kept waiting for the mind scarring reveal scene when Daphne Zuniga's character is told that she just awkwardly "jackhammered" a five year old. Which even in West Virgina is still illegal, unless they're married of course.

There is a lot of build up for not much pay off. For some reason I was expecting bloodshed and violence all over the place once Martin Brundle (Eric Stoltz) got turned into a giant fly. I mean there was quite a bit of gore but then it ended just as quickly as it started with a surprisingly happy ending. Remember how The Fly ended all depressingly? Well at the end of this one... the guy gets the girl, and Boss Badguy gets mutated into a hideous cabbage man, and when Boss Badguy gets mutated into a horrible man thing, his coworkers go with the irony policy and put him in the same holding cell as the mutant dog.

Blood: The movie had it's gross out moments which I'd say focused more about puss than blood. Lord this movie had a lot of puss and puss-like secretions. Not much blood comes to mind except when that guy's head got crushed by an elevator. Which was both bloody and hilarious. Oh and when a needle gets snapped off in the guy's arm. Even though most of the movie was pretty straight forward... the scene where the dog gets mutated by teleportation alone is enough to prime your weak hearted friends for a good scare by making a loud noise behind them.

Babes: The love interest was kind of cute in the 80's sort of way. There was a sex scene which was very awkward to watch... though the security guard got a lot out of it. Apparently porn was a rarity in the late 80's. Also... the sex scene is between a woman in her mid 20's and a 5 year old. It really shouldn't be enjoyable to anyone.

Baddie: There are several characters that you can find an ax to grind with. From the jackass lab guy, to the bitch of a nurse, then there is Boss Badguy... who has decided to be bad for science. In the same way poking a cat with a stick until it goes crazy and joins the Hell's Angels can be called science.

Boom: Stuff got knocked around, stuff got mutated in teleportation... I was disappointed by there being a big sign that says Danger High Voltage in the final shoot out scene... and then nobody got electrocuted. What a jip!

Bad Acting: The main character is just hilarious on his acting "style"... which I never quite got. I think he's supposed to be acting like a five year old genius who just happens to look like a teenager but then he jumps right in to bed with his new girl friend. This movie is kind of weird to say the least.

Marvel Comics for April 2008

Amazing Spider-Man (Brand New Day): Ok... their were a lot of releases of this comic this month because their really trying to push JQ's vision of Spider-Man. Which by the way is what most 5 years old think about when they think about Spider-Man. Now that you know who the target audience is... I would suggest missing this comic. It's poorly written now... and is introducing new heroes and villains like crazy. Like Screwball, Grey Goblin.... and *shudders* Jackpot. If you are considering picking this book up, don't. If you are already reading this book, you know what I'm talking about. Unless you are between the ages of 5-8... then you should freaking love this piece of crap.

Cable #2: Excellent art... beautiful in fact. And, the storyline is exciting... even though Bishop is turning into a real jackass. Ok... maybe this baby really is the mutant anti-Christ but that doesn't mean that you should lack the ability to rationalize. Why does Cable always make the right decisions and then the rest of the X-men are always saying... "Cable's rocking the boat again... we've got to knock him down a notch or two!"?

Kick Ass # 2: Ok, it has the Icon label... but I see this comic on the Marvel website... I'm not sure... I think Marvel must own Icon. This book goes beyond good. It's believable and clever. I liked that they spent some time with him recovering and how bad he got messed up. I want to cheer for the hero and at the same time tell him to take off that outfit and give up this nonsense. After issue 1 I'm going to be flinching scared that he is going to get brutalized once again.

Moon Knight #17: Moon Knight should be good... the first arc was amazing and I love blood and scary crazy vigilante action. Somehow Mike Benson and Charlie Huston have made this boring.

Punisher War Journal #18: I tried... I've been subscribed to PWJ since issue 1. Matt Fraction can weave a beautiful tale every now and then. Frank Castle's one liners are some of the best ever.... sometimes. There are 3-4 issues at a time that are boring as hell! And... I just can't take his inconsistent writing anymore. This was the third issue in a row that bored the hell out of me. And, I swore after the boring as hell Punisher is Cap' story line (except for the last issue in it) that if he went through another streak of crap... I'd drop the book. This might be worth picking up once in a while. But, I can't recommend it anymore.

Secret Invasion #1: Oh my goodness... this is an event book which means there are going to be tie-ins relatively soon. Marvel uses these story lines as a money making scheme. Here is a story... now you need to buy these books to really know what's going on. However, this is a really good story and has a really good opening book. A few major players are revealed to be skrulls. The skrulls hit hard and fast... and leave more mystery than what is revealed. I highly recommend picking up this book.

Nova # 12: Nova is back! For the last several issues he has become weaker and weaker as the transmode virus attacks his system. The worldmind has tried his best to keep him safe but it isn't enough. But, in this issue... power is restored... just in time for him to take the fight back to the Phalanx in Kree space.

Annihilation:Conquest #6: Everything comes together... well, sorta. I kind of wish this had been just a little bit longer. Ronan's little team had a desperate plan that led to... well a giant Ultron smashing across the Kree home world like a mechanized Godzilla. The ending was good but with all the build up.. I would have really liked one more issue to handle all the loose ends. I know it's an extra large issue, but it just didn't seem like enough to wrap up such an epically scaled cosmic opera.

Avengers The Initiative #11: KIA's last stand, taken down by a woman! I love Cloud 9 she doesn't want to be a super hero but there she is going toe to toe with the guy who took on the entire initiative and won. What I don't know is why they didn't just shoot this freak in the head. Sure War Machine tried... What's up with his face by the way? But, if you can slip a hat on this guy's head you would think you could slip a bullet in his brainpan.

Avengers The Initiative #12: A skrull reveal and this isn't even called a Secret Invasion tie-in. The new 3-D Man is a skrull *cough* cannon fodder. Why the hell is Cloud 9 dressed like that? I somehow thought her graduation superhero costume would be cool... it's not. It's kind of lame... but it's really scary what the initiative did to her in the end. Also... Terry you lucky dog.

Incredible Hercules # 116: This comic can't seem to lose. The art is consistant and the writing is fantastic. If you haven't picked this up... you should. Hercules fights an eternal in this one... and Athena meets with the gods of earth about the skrull invasion. You should go back to when Amedeus gets the Herc crew together back during World War Hulk and buy all the back issues for this buck. You won't regret it.

Wolverine Origins #24: Wolverine vs. Deadpool. Deadpool is getting his own comic soon and the writer will be Daniel Way. If you want to know how good a job he does with Deadpool... pick this book up. I liked it.

Hulk #3: This book is what is wrong with comic books. The writing is... HORRIBLE!!! The story is suspect, and it's sold out everytime. The art isn't bad... not great but not bad. Unless you like your intelligence being insulted... don't read this book. Betty Harpies with Adamantium Talons!!!! Kaw Kaw!!! Facepalm!

Hulk Vs. Hercules: Good book... sort of goes along with the Incredible Hercules series and introduces the God Eater to me. Some others might know who he is but as much as I like to think I know a lot about comics... he's a new face to me.

Might Avengers #12: Nick Fury is back... and black? Ok, Marvel if you aren't going to take this seriously then I don't know why I should have to either. Apparently JQ thought that Nick Fury's Samuel L Jackson's look alike in the Ultimate universe and now in the movies was better than main stream Nick Fury. Well, he's right of course... Samuel L Jackson is awesome! But, seriously what the hell are you doing?

Immortal Iron Fist #14: The good news is this is the last issue Matt Fraction will be writing. I mean I used to like the guy but then he decided to write boring crap. Who cares about the secret army. Why does Marvel insist on having secret shit. Like that makes it more exciting or something... I would have enjoyed myself if the book had done what it had said... badass martial arts tournament. The rebellion didn't need to be there. Danny could have taken on the hydra folks himself. And, Steel Serpent's redemption wasn't neccessary either.

New Avengers #40: Big skrull reveal (possibly... also could just be a red herring) If you are going to be following the Secret Invasion this is one you can not miss! It breaks away from the characters it normally follows and instead focuses on how the skrulls developed the technology and the means needed to infiltrate earth. And, some of the religious undertones to the invasion.

I am Iron Man

I'm not going to be doing many reviews of movies that have just come out in theaters. No one is paying me to do these reviews but maybe some of your delightful readers can start "borrowing" money from your mom's purse and I'll review whatever perverted morally debasing thing you want me to. Iron Man was the best comic book movie to come out since Spider-Man 2. I'm not including V for Vendetta in this statement because V is something very special to me. That was so much more than a comic book movie. It was Hugo Weaving's voice and violence all in one little package... little could arouse me as much as that.

I can not say this enough... Iron Man is worth dropping the cash for. As much as I've found the comic book Iron Man positively repulsive (pun intended), especially as of late, the movie version was everything I liked about Iron Man but better. Robert Downey Jr. was hilarious as Tony Stark and heroic as Iron Man. There wasn't one flaw that I could readily pick out in the movie. I'll be the first to admit that I am a critical bastard that has made many a young child cry with shouts of "That drawing looks nothing like a pony... it looks like a walrus with a horrible case of the hymroids!". Err... what? Robert Downey Jr. was born for the role of Tony Stark and not just because both of them are well known for self medication and substance abuse. He somehow is the most likable jerk you could possibly meet. Sure you want to throw him down a flight of razor sharp stairs but you can't help liking him.

The movie starts like every comic book movie starts, with an origins story. I like it when the movie tries it's best to stay true to the comic book no matter what. Nothing grates on my nerves more than when they change something crucial and it snowballs out of control. Iron Man had everything down to the two pieces of shrapnel being held in place by an electromagnet to keep them from going into his heart. A lot of directors would say "That drawing doesn't look anything like a pony?". And crush my dreams of one day becoming an artist. What?... the important thing is to not question the source material out of hand.

The chemistry between all of the actors felt real. Obadiah Stane (Jeff Bridges) really did feel like a mentor and his interactions with Tony felt just as natural as when he was fighting him as Iron Monger. Jim Rhodes (Terrence Howard) seemed to be his friend just as much as he was a sidekick and on a sidekick side note I'm looking forward to seeing War Machine tear it up on the next Iron Man movie.

Before I go on to the 5 Bs I figure I owe an explanation for the rating of 11. It is on a 10 point scale... the problem is that I gave the movie a 9 out of 10 rating for near flawless cinema magic. Then Samuel L. Jackson as Nick Fury showed up on the big screen. And, Samuel L. Jackson bumps up any movie by 2 points. Which is why xXx: State of the Union got a 2 out of 10. Oh Ice Cube why do they keep putting you in movies?


Blood: There is a little bit of blood, nothing all that gory. Tony Stark gets hit, infamously, with one of his own weapons. Irony! The violence in the movie felt very real... except for the cheap laughs we got while Tony was designing the Mark II/Mark III. I would suggest seeing this movie just for the slapstick moments.

Boobs: Oh no nudity, but there was quite a lot of eye candy. Women seem to just throw themselves at Tony Stark. Even a life saving electromagnet the size of a christmas turkey sticking out of his chest didn't seem to keep the ladies at bay.

Baddie: Obadiah Stane was more menacing in Armani suit than he did in a suit of robotic armor. He made a good bad guy because he seemed to make since. He seemed like such a nice guy, even though the foreshadowing in the movie kept saying different (not to mention my previous knowledge of the character in the comic books). Not many people can pull off being more of a bad guy than a Islamic terrorist cell and a kindly uncle in the same scene. The little terrorist group is referred to as the Ten Rings which hopefully is a foreshadowing for The Mandarin... Iron Man's arch-nemesis lurking in the shadows of this movie.

Boom: The movie had boom by the gallons. Seeing the Mark III in action was almost a thing of beauty. It looked almost real as he blew up tanks, slammed terrorists into walls, and fought Iron Monger on a busy street. Things go boom.

Bad Acting: All the acting was amazing in this movie. There wasn't a moment when the suspension of disbelief was broken for me.

Overall Rating: 11

Bad Movie Night 04/30/08- Tank Girl

Have you ever tried to make fun of someone and they keep making fun of them selves? Eventually you just loose all interest in trying to make fun of the person because their self depricating humor is funnier than yours. Watching Tank Girl is kind of like trying to make fun of Carrot Top while you are having a bad LSD trip. Except Naomi Watts is there looking exceptionally nerdy hot... ah Jet Girl you just became another adolesent fantasy. Take me away in your easily customizable jet... I swear I'm a better catch than a kangaroo frat boy. Maybe the movie should have been called Jet Girl instead of Tank Girl... eh, on second thought. Nevermind.

Tank Girl was determined to save money on establishing shots by using comic book panels. This was actually a really good idea. I mean who really needs to build the outside of a set? It's not like anybody talks about how good that set was built or how realistic that cg building was... frankly if you realize it's CG... it's really not all that realistic is it? Plus if you want to change the setting a little... all you have to do is draw it. No, scrapping sets. A lot of things were handled with vertigo inducing trippy cartoon sequences.

Within about 15 minutes of this movie starting... you will realize that you don't like the main character. She finds some redemption in my eyes just because of how defiant she is. I love defiance in the face of angry mad scientest corporated dudes. By the end of the movie they decide that it's a good idea to blow up the water place that is providing water to everybody... and that brings water back to the world that lacks the ability to rain. What? But, seriously... whenever you can say Ice T in a kangaroo suit made the movie better... you are either on drugs or watching Tank Girl.

Blood: Nothing too gory... there are a couple of torture scenes that are somewhere between real torture and the torture you will find in Barbarella. I mean if the bad guy had pulled out some gardening tools and started clipping off toes... I'm pretty sure Tank Girl would have broken like an egg on the windshield of a certain apartment resident. And, the Rippers... well they ripped stuff.

Boobs: Two words: Jet. Girl. *sigh* No nudity but who really needs it when Naomi Watts is wearing those librarian glasses.

Baddie: Forgettable. Malcolm McDowell plays a crazy bastard... he's obsessed with water. Ummm... He had his head cut off to be replaced with a hologram.

Boom: Well the movie is called tank girl so there was a little bit of boom. In the world of Tank Girl bullets are also magnetcally attracted to railings. And, at no time is this more clear than when she straps herself to the back of the tank and opens up a parachute to go after the badguys. Because if you aren't in the tank... landmines don't hurt the tank. Oh, and the bullets kept hitting the straps holding her to the parachute... but they didn't break the straps or hurt her.

Bad Acting: Oh... haha... There was a lot of bad acting. But, you have to wonder... was it that bad on purpose?