Free Comic Book Day

May 3rd is free comic book day. So, here are some important questions that may or may nor have anything to do at all with the matter at hand.

1. Have you been banned from your local comic book store?

2. Do you want the big businesses to win by running the comic book stores out of business?

3. Do you like free things?

If you answered 'no' to all of these questions... except the last one. You should have answered yes to the last one. Well, anyway it's almost Free Comic Book Day. Which can only mean one thing. Long lines at the comic book store. Oh, and most likely some nerds in masks... God bless their dedication to the geekdom. If you like comics then I suggest you go. If you have never read any comics before I suggest you go even more so. I'm going to be there with a backback on and hopefully enough money to buy a stack of comics to fill up that backpack. I'm going to be doing a brief review of all the new comics that I'm going to pick up this month and the experience in general. One thing though, I don't read DC so if there is going to be a DC review someone else is going to have to do it. If you feel up to the job post a comment and I might let you do just that. Or, Little Zee will do it.. hopefully.

Bad Movie Night 04/23/08- The Host

Does that monster look like it's lurking? It looks like it's fucking galloping. Run bitch run!

As bad movies go this was hard to make fun of. I'd heard really good things about this movie both about the amazing special effects and the story. Well, the special effects were amazing the story was so dumb that it made the movie almost impossible to laugh at. There is actually part of the movie where that dad of the main character actually talks about how he can tell his son's mood by his farts. I think this movie was supposed to be funny but maybe most of the jokes were funny in Korea. Some of the humor translated over but then characters would say the dumbest things. In other news I learned at least one thing from this movie... the South Korean army is one of the most incompetent units I've ever seen. A bumbling idiot, a jackass, a senile old man,a homeless man, and bronze medal archer managed to take down a monster that the military has shit themselves over. Like seriously? Not only that... they manage to look good doing it. Too, bad there wasn't some kind of a story to go along with the pretty special effects.

To top it all off while the movie was being completely ridiculous it starts to get preachy. Or at least I think it tries to get preachy or maybe they were trying to be clever. The government invents a virus that the monster is supposedly carrying but there is no virus... the government made it up and put rewards on people's heads who didn't do what they said to do. Generally causing a panic when they should have been getting a posse of bad asses together to take down the giant fish that was terrorizing a nation of people with ridiculous dialogue. Was it being preachy? Please somebody tell me.

Blood: Oh, there was blood and gore and the horrible visions of people being vomited only to be consumed later. Blood and bones and guts... this movie had enough violence in it to disturb even me. It wouldn't have been so bad if it wasn't from the point of view of a small child. There is something more disturbing about corpse vomiting fish monsters when a little kid has to face it.

Boobs: No boobies... no babes...

Baddie: The fish monster! This thing looked real! No angry monologues, it spent all it's time killing, vomiting, and looking bad ass. At least as bad ass as a giant fish with legs can look. Even though the rest of the movie might have had to suffer for it... the special effects on this thing looked real throughout almost the entire movie. The Cloverfield monster looked fake compared to this thing. Ok, shoot the Cloverfield monster just looked fake but I'm not talking about that piece of crap movie.

Boom: Did you know homeless people carry around like a years supply of gasoline and alcohol? Well, they do... and when you poor that over a giant fish and then set it on fire... your in for a Barbecue! Mmm MMMM!

Bad Acting: Normally bad acting makes a bad movie more enjoying. This however is one of my exceptions to the rule. I might change my opinion after watching the movie with subtitles on instead of dubbing. The American voice actors at least deserved to be dragged into the street and beaten with a rubber hose. The verdict is still out on the rest of those bloody sods.





*Spoilers*



*Spoilers*





Don't watch this movie if you want a happy ending! The little girl dies in the most anti-climactic way possible. Cause of death: having a dumb ass fucking family that doesn't know how to perform CPR. Or maybe the Asian form of CPR is to wail like an idiot and roll around on the ground.

Bad Movie Night 04/16/08- Barbarella

All I can say is that people in the 60's really did think that things were going to change for the better real soon. And, also that someone was going to invent a kind of psychic pill that linked people into a shared orgasmic state that is kind of like touching one of those electricity balls at a museum.

The entire movie is absurd and I can only hope that was the point even in the 60's. It was however a great movie for Bad Movie Night. You could almost feel the beautiful badness of the movie fill your lungs as sociopathic cannibalistic dolls fill your vision.

In the future the galaxy has been pacified through drug induced palm fornication. I can only get down on both knees and pray that there wasn't any serious thought into this as some kind of metaphor. But, this "plot" element allowed the title character to be both a total whore and a innocent virgin at the same time. And, isn't this exactly what we all want in a woman?

As far as I could figure the lead singer for Duran Duran has found the plans for a "laser" that does stuff... to the 4th dimension! I think it kills people but his other inventions that were supposed to kill only managed to remove Barbarella's outfits or give her multiple orgasms. She goes through so many costume changes throughout this movie I can only assume it is how most girls play with real Barbies. Since my sister went through that period with what I can only assume a desire to grow up to be the first female serial killer all I know about Barbies is finding their mangled naked corpses intermixed with my mangled naked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles... and the occasional My Little Pony to add to the bizarreness of the mass grave.

Blood: Not really... though Barbarella did have a gun that made people explode/shatter. Also she got bitten/disrobed by both exotic birds and cannibalistic dolls from hell.

Boobs: This movie is sex, and the title character has sex and gets naked more times than I could possibly watch this movie. This is where the movie makes up for not having a plot or a chorus of line dancing ninjas. Though the sex scenes are all off camera and her breasts are only shown for a few brief seconds. I think all the implied sex more than delivers.

Baddie: Durand Durand is just as much a baddie as Doctor Evil can be considered a villain. His traps are laughable, his cause (evil by the way) just makes you want to laugh. The female baddie who at one point forces herself on this guy is more hot than evil... besides that erect cock on her forehead... Ewwwww!!!!

Boom: Things did blow up on occasion. Such as the torture machine that overloaded because Barbarella is the biggest whore in the entire galaxy and short circuited the device with her ability to take a good pounding.

Bad Acting: I think this movie is known for it's bad acting. I love the blind angel though, when he keeps saying stuff like: "An Angel doesn't make love, he is love." Wow... um that would be more poetic if you weren't putting your angel cock in Barbarella in a giant nest. Because Angels make nests... it's only logical. They have wings don't they? Chewbacca was from Kashyyyk!!

Reviews...

When I first started Retcon Revolution I had a lot of dreams for it that are unfullfilled. I really don't know where to start in the rebuilding process but I guess the best place to start is the beginning. Retcon Revolution is going to be the place you go to keep up with soon to be revealed reviews on movies and comic books. I'd like for it to be a place where writers in the realm of geekdom will feel comfortable. This was supposed to be a group project but as with all things grouped... it usually falls on one person's head to do all the work while the others only come in at the last minute to take equal shares of credit. If there is any need for proof of this you can look at how this blog has fallen to shambles ever so quickly. It went from 4 people who were supposed to write a review to me writing reviews and then giving up. Whatever... Retcon Revolution needs to be brought to life. And, I'll be the one to do it. Film, Comic Books, Art... hopefully it will all be forthcoming.

Bad Movie Night 04/09/08- Stargate Ark of Truth

The Ark of Truth was pretty much like watching two episodes of Stargate. I am in no way convinced that is not exactly what this is. It wasn't bad for a season finale but it wasn't exactly good for a movie. I have to grant it that this is a direct to dvd movie and not something released on the big screen. I should cut the movie some slack if only because it wasn't horrible. The scenes with the replicators were down right scary. If the replicators had done a little bit more killing than just that one bureaucratic red shirt I think this would have gone up several ranks in my mind.

If you've ever watched the show then you know how they beat major bad guys. They find a box, and push a button. The trials and tribulations that get them to the box in the first place is pretty freaking exciting. Don't get me wrong, I love the show. I just was kind of hoping for Teal'c to go into bad ass mode and to destroy the god like being by just the presence of his glaring manliness. I would also like to take this opportunity to tell the world that Christopher Judge should be Luke Cage aka Power Man in the upcoming Luke Cage movie. He's one shaved head from being the splitting image of what Luke Cage looks like in the current continuity. And, when he isn't in character he just makes me think Cage!

I've probably already ruined it for you but I will warn of spoilers now. They find a box... the title mentioned Ark of Truth and they push a button and it solves all of their problems. Both conveniently and in a way that made me scratch my head. Now they got a nice heavenly help from an ascended ancient who decided to lock herself in Immortal Kombat!!!! for all eternity to make up for her past mistakes in stopping a mad scientist from making the equivlent of the Ultimate Nullifier.

Blood: There is a juicy fight scene between this horrible human replicator hybrid that goes on for a while. Besides that there isn't any real nice violence of note. I was hoping for another moment of Teal'c wading through enemy soldier dropping them like loads of bricks and making them cry for their god themed moms. I was dissapointed.

Boobs: Morena Baccarin... on fire! Need I say more? Yeah, she is evil, but she is the hot kind of evil that I would let join a crazy cult for. Kind of like in the movie...

Baddies: Replicators scare the crap out of me! And Adria (Morena Baccarin's character) is evil as well... though like I said before... not the kind of evil I take seriously because I'm too busy wondering how something so beautiful can be so world destroyingly evil. Also... for a near omnipresent... omnipotent being she sure doesn't make use of her powers. She could have destroyed the ark just like Morgana destroyed Merlin's magical box all those years ago.

Boom: Stuff does go boom... enough stuff to save this movie? No. But enough stuff to keep me from leaving the room for the sweet sweet embrace of individually wrapped pasteries.

Bad Acting: I'd have to say all the acting was pretty well done. Nothing to make fun of really... I have always been impressed with Stargate for having good writing and good actors to deliver those lines.